Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Genie Jokes

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish.

He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World. The Genie pales, and says, "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, woven  into the very fabric of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."

"Okay", the guy says. "Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading - just because she likes it, because she wants to, and because it turns her on."

The Genie shakes his head and says, "Let me see that map again!

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"

The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."

"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."

The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.

The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."

"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in those kind of activities." So, I said, " c'mon, how about a little head?"

A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course. He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window." His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.

He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be." So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open. They went inside and saw the golf ball laying next to a broken glass bottle. A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the . . . " And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife  gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."
The husband asks for $100 million. The genie says, "Done." The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars. Genie says, "Done. Now, my wish is to have sex with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."
 They agreed, since their extravagant wishes had been granted. And so the genie has sex with the man's wife, not just once but many times. When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"

She answers, "33." And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office. Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.
The man asks for his first wish. "The first thing I want is a million dollars."
The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million."

The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise."
The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses."

The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."

After a recent football game, the team went into the locker room to get out of their uniforms and to shower. In the showers, Bubba noticed that Duke has a cork shoved up his butt-hole. So, Bubba asked, "Duke, why in the world do you have a cork up your butt?"
Duke answered, "Last night when I was cleaning my antique brass lamps, a genie came out of one of them. The genie said that I had one wish. I was really startled and I replied, "No shit!"

Two guys narrowly escaped from a sinking ship on a life raft and discovered a magic lamp tucked away in a dark cranny. Figuring what the hell, one of the men gave the lamp a rub and "poof," a cloud of smoke. A second later, a genie appeared and said, "I will grant each of you one wish."
After thinking a while, the first man turned to the genie and said, "I wish I were floating on an ocean of beer." The genie granted the man's wish and disappeared.

The man's companion turned to him and said, "Way to go idiot. Now we have to pee in the boat."

One day a fellow came into the bar with a cat, not just any cat, but a mean-looking ginger tom. You could see the scars from across the room. But that wasn't the weirdest thing; a six foot ostrich  - eyes like golf balls, followed them in -  a real live ostrich!

I asked the man what he wanted. "I'll have a pint of bitter," he said. "A pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic for the cat." The cat hissed at him. "Make that a double gin and tonic. Thanks."

Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back. Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that it wanted the same again. Well I poured them. I could feel the cat's eyes burning through me, as if he was checking that he got his double again. I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied around the ostrich's neck.

This went on for a couple of hours. The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, while the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to kill.

The whole place got quiet. People sat and stared, and who could blame them? Eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow just what was going on.
"Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped. So I said, "No harm meant, but you've got to admit that you're a unique set of drinkers. He smiled, but there was no light in that smile. "Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you."
"I was across town the other week, working on the new road.  Amid the dirt and the rubble I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appeared. You know - turban, scimitar, and the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."

"And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy. But this wasn't what I had in mind."

A nursing assistant was doing a little cleaning on a quiet afternoon. She was polishing the old brass lamp that an old lady had donated to the ward in gratitude for the fine care she had received there.
One of the floor nurses and the head nurse were nearby as the lamp suddenly produced a cloud of dark smoke, from which stepped a lady dressed in nineteenth-century nurses' uniform.


"I am Gina the Gray Lady of the Lamp," she said. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my previous owner that I will now grant you three wishes." With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of fine wine, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes - before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with a single, well-built man feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, she was gone.

The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich, retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with a well-groomed man feeding me cocoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke the floor nurse was gone.
"Now what is the last wish?" asked the lady. The head nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of their lunch break."

2 comments:

vixenreloaded said...

LOL! You still have it - the ability to tell/post great jokes!
Well done!

Anonymous said...

Genie with the magic dust,
Love the jokes.
Made front page in the paper today, keep them coming.
G.